AI Art by me

I’ve been conversing with a fellow blogger about the lack of good communication and trust between would-be dominants and their submissives.  In doing so, I decided to write a little about this subject, so here goes.

I want to boil this down to the bare fact that one person is seeking the permission of another person to have control of them, control of that person’s body, and control of how they feel.  This is a big, huge, gigantic ask if you think of it that way.  It should always be thought of that way.  It often isn’t.

These two people have needs.  One needs to be needed so much that they are asked to control the other. They want to feel trusted to the point they have true power over the other, whether it’s tasks, impact play, bondage, or a combination.  When they get that trust, obedience, and power, then they are fed in a way that, for them, defies any other drug out there for potency.  For me, to be obeyed is as arousing as a hot kiss or intimate caress.

The other person needs the opposite side of this arrangement.  They need to be put somewhere they no longer have to think, worry, or do anything but be for someone else.  In being able to trust themselves to another and have that trust kept, it feeds them in just as visceral and intimate a way as for their Dom, Daddy, or Master (Domme, Mommy, or Mistress).

There can be added spices or ingredients to this relationship: sadomasochism, bondage, age-play, age gap, pet play, and so forth.  This can lead to a sub putting up with a mediocre dominant just to have a certain kink fed.  It can also go the other way for a dominant to put up with a subpar submissive.  Loneliness can lead to a lot of poor decisions.

Forgive my generalities, but to seduce a male takes a lot less than it does to seduce a woman.  The old joke is a woman just has to show up naked with a six-pack of beer, and the beer isn’t really needed.  Women are a lot more complex than that.  I commented just today in response to a woman posting that attuning and so forth were foreplay.  I responded with a paraphrase of an old adage: Seduce the heart and mind, then the body will follow.

Here’s the real key.  How?  How to seduce the heart and mind?  It takes a lot of things, but three main ones are patience, communication, and trust.

Patience is first because without it, the other two won’t happen.  Good communication takes time, effort, and real interest.  You can’t just fake being interested in the other person.  You really need to want to know about them because they’ll be able to tell.  To listen to another person takes patience, and caring about them really helps.  Yes, hookups will happen.  There are too many bars in the world to deny this is true; however, I’ll point out that these places require alcohol to lower inhibitions, so patience, communication, and trust are no longer needed.  Divorce courts are filled with bad decisions made from such unions.

Patience is also needed in any relationship as it begins and grows.  Being patient with mistakes, misunderstandings, and miscommunication can make or break a relationship.  Patience can also help in matters of domination, since rules are sometimes poorly explained or punishments aren’t fair.  Be willing to admit you’re not perfect and can improve.  This will lead to better communication and a lot deeper trust from your submissive.

Communication is key.  Two-sided communication is very much necessary.  Many dominants don’t want to let their subs have input once the collar goes on.  So talking was okay until you got them to agree, but it’s no longer needed?  No, that’s not true at all.  A huge amount of what I’ve learned, some of which I’m sharing here, came from what a submissive taught or explained to me.  A musician wants to get the best kind of music out of his instrument, right?  What if the instrument could explain to the musician the best ways to pluck, strum, and, ah, beat a rhythm to get the perfect performance?  Wouldn’t that make a lot of sense?  Well, the subs are our instruments, and we should listen to them.  It makes all the difference in the world to the quality of music they will make for us.

Communication also requires honesty, which I struggled with early on.  I was not honest with my significant other, which led to divorce, and I learned my lesson.  I deal only in transparency in all my talk with others.  It also requires honesty about wanting to make a connection, not just a hookup.  Here lies the big difference between Dom/sub and Swingers.  BDSM folks are more into connections or relationships, whereas, as I understand it, Swingers just want the hookup.  Some Swingers masquerade as BDSM folks to find couples to swing with.

Trust is mentioned last because without the first two components, there will be no trust or, at least, not a strong trust.  Two people can meet at a munch or bar, and the vibes are strong enough to get them started with playing Dom/sub scenes, but vibes can only go so far without a stronger foundation.  Patience and communication are what lead to the other person opening their minds to you with trust so you can give them a good mindfuck or two.  Mindfuck is usually negative in meaning, but I think truly good dynamics, sex, and play scenes are just physical manifestations of a good mindfuck by a good mindfucker.

There’s also community trust.  Dynamics and relationships don’t happen in a vacuum.  The Kink Community is alive and well.  There’s also the very real fact that submissives talk to each other a whole lot.  Good dominants are already observant, so they notice things and remember them.  Patience, clear communication, and earning submissives’ or bottoms’ trust get noticed.  Just recently, I talked with one scene partner who said she was very willing and trusted me because she’d seen me with a lot of others at parties.  Another person told me they’d heard a lot about me from a current play partner and another dominant.  Trust is earned, and community trust is very fragile.

Once you’ve gone through all these steps and taken the time to get there?  It will amaze you how much devotion, trust, and affection you will receive for your efforts.  You get what you give is often said, and it’s very true.  Your submissive will work to please as it pleases themselves to make you happy, and reaching that point of knowing…knowing they love to be yours, love to obey you, and desperately want to please you is like nothing else.

In conclusion, I’m not sure whether taking the time and effort to write these things will make any difference, but if just one…  I received a comment on an old blog post today that helped me write this post.  Someone was rereading it and commented on how helpful my post about communicating after the endorphins and subspace are over was to them.  I guess it’s worth it.