AI art by me.

I want to tackle a complex subject.  It’s something that happens to all of us, whether we admit it or not.  It’s an aspect or doorway to depression.  Some can fight it off, others are weighed down by it every hour of every day.  A tragic few are even defeated by it.  There are different ways to describe it, but I refer to it as feeling “lesser than.”

Lesser than what?  Lesser than you usually feel or felt.  Lesser than you want to feel or hope to achieve.  It’s a time when I feel like I don’t measure up, or my reach has exceeded my grasp.  On these days, I feel like being invisible, lethargic, and I begin to second-guess myself.

Oh, I know I’m not alone in these feelings.  They are very much a part of the “human condition.”  It boils down to the axiomatic idea that there are opposites in all things:  beauty/ugly, good/evil, light/dark.  Like the old song says, “You can’t have one without the other.”  I have happy and joyous times.  I have had numerous times when I beat incredible odds to achieve miraculous victories.  

The Wheel turns and never stops.  I pay, we all pay for those times with the opposite: the “lesser than” times.  Some use a stunning array of escapes from reality: movies, gaming, reading, writing, and bingeing on seasons and seasons of television, old or new.  We keep busy and don’t stand still too long, or our lesser than catches up to us.  

No matter how Houdini you get or fast you run or fly, it will find you and grab you.  What do you do then?  Well, for me, I sit back and remember what I do have, who I have, and where I am compared to where I could be, and things begin to feel a little better.  Brick by brick or yard by yard, I start to rebuild myself.  

All in all, I’ve led a very charmed life.  To think otherwise is to slap Karma in the face, and that’s never, ever wise!  When I can, I do little things to pay into my Karmatic Bank Account so it will be there when I need it.  So far, it’s worked great for me.

So, today, I am rebuilding.  Tomorrow, I’ll be rebuilt…probably.  If not tomorrow, then it will be soon.  I sit here at my favorite table in the Eatery of my favorite mall and watch the myriad of people going by.  The teenagers are just beginning to feel the panic of going back to school.  The young families with kids whose whole day has been made by a Blizzard from DQ or chicken nuggets from another place.  The people who are by themselves and on their phones or…heh…laptops.  

I’ll be an emotional vampire and sip off of the excited, the happy, the dreamers, the lovers, and lean on their light for a while as I build up my own.  This is why family is important, because they can provide for you in this way.  This is why relationships are meaningful, because they can have the same impact.

At the end of it all, the most crucial anchor I can have is me.  I need to like myself.  Hell, I need to love me.  Good thing I’m so lovable.  We should all work on being our own anchors as well as relying on others.  It can be done.  It can be rebuilt.  I will be fine.