Grey Man's Memoirs

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Grey Man

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What’s Wrong With This Picture?

AI art by me

The title of this article has nothing to do with the art above. There’s nothing wrong with THAT picture. It’s a device to capture your attention and encourage you to read the rest of the piece. When I was teaching, I used to joke we called these lines Hookers but that became to problematic so we shortened it to Hook. They always got it right on the tests!

The picture I am going to refer to is relationships: specifically D/s dynamic or even Spank-o relationships. What I am about to say rings true in all relationships. My main thought is simple: women work the hardest, try the hardest, and do the most to make a D/s relationship work. I will repeat what I said earlier and point out that I still think this is true in all relationships.

My thought stems from observation of a few different relationships I’ve been aware of in the D/s lifestyle. In many of these, if we boil it down to its bare essence, we find that it is the woman, the submissive one, who is doing the most to keep the dynamic going. This is fascinatingly true considering the man is supposed to be the dominant one, but does he truly run things? Does he always make the connections, the sessions, the little things, or is it the woman who expertly paves the way for the Dom to make a connection, to fulfill a request for a session, to buy or do the little things that were hinted at by the woman?

If women sat back and only let men do all of it, start all of it, plan all of it, what would be the result? Again, a whole lot of nothing or a whole lot of chaos. “God is in the details.” Men, by and large, are not that great at details. Women are. Why do you think there’s such a massive difference between Bachelor Parties and Bridal Showers? Have you been to one of each? I have. The level of planning, sophistication, and preparation that goes into the Showers doesn’t even compare to some guys getting together to drink, or drink and watch a movie, or maybe one more thing, depending on the party’s rating. Granted, I’ve been out of the game for quite a while, but do they even send invitations for Bachelor Parties?

What I’m saying is that for many of the submissives I’ve known or know, they have to be the ones actively engaged in keeping the dynamic alive; otherwise, it will cease to function. I’d love to be wrong about this, but I don’t think I am. So, what’s wrong with this picture? It seems unequal, but perhaps… this is the way it has to be.

Forgive me for waxing a little religious, but it fits. Whether we take it as fact or an allegory, the story of Adam and Eve is an excellent example of what I’m pointing out. If it had been left up to Adam, the man, The Apple would never have been bitten—no knowledge of good and evil, no kids, no civilization – zip. If it had been left to Adam, then the world would not have happened. Eve saw the problem. Either she bit The Apple or the bullet, so to speak, and got the knowledge, the pain, the suffering, and all the good parts with it, or nothing would ever take place. She went ahead and did it. Adam freaks out. Eve says, ‘Well, you’re supposed to stay with me, and I can’t stay here, so either bite The Apple, too, or adiós. ‘ Guess what? Then Western Civilization/Religion has the gall to blame women for the ills of the world because of Eve? Wow. Just. Wow.

How do men learn what a woman wants? By listening to a woman. It isn’t like men suddenly have the info. They either hear it, read it, or glean it from examples around them. How do women learn what a man wants? Since it seems to be just one thing, it isn’t hard for them to fathom. Baskin-Robbins has 31 flavors, but it’s still ice cream.

What do we do with this knowledge of inequality in relationships? Nada. Nothing. Bupkis. One article on a small blog isn’t going to change anything, and who says it needs to change? We need to be aware of it and how it might explain the large number of unhappy women or submissives in the world who aren’t enjoying their dynamic or the fact that they don’t have one. Relationships are a two-way street, but I’m seeing a lot more traffic on one side than the other.

Responses to “What’s Wrong With This Picture?”

  1. Shimmering Muse

    Oh, that’s what I felt.. What’s Wrong With This Picture? Beautiful art, and let me continue to read the story now ☺

    Reply
    1. Grey Man

      Give me more details about you and I can create more…personal art. 😉

      Reply
      1. Shimmering Muse

        That’s sweet and slightly dangerous. But now, where’s the fun in giving away all the details at once? A little mystery keeps the art… intriguing😏

  2. Shimmering Muse

    This was such a sharp read, and you brought it all together with a mix of wit and weight.

    While I’m not someone deeply into D/s dynamic or even anything close to it (though I do read a lot of stories about it)…..I agree: it’s often the submissive, usually the woman, who carries the emotional and logistical weight. It’s a quiet kind of strength, often misunderstood or overlooked, but it’s what keeps the connection meaningful, not just functional. Without it, the bond might not even survive.

    But how long can a woman carry the weight of it all, especially when so much of it is dismissed or ignored in the name of “dominance,” or whatever label is used to justify the imbalance?

    That said, I don’t claim to know the D/s world in its full depth. I’m only speaking from my own experience.

    I’ve poured myself into men I desired. Those I felt magnetically drawn to, not necessarily the ones who pursued me. I chase what’s hard to get. Maybe it’s a typical human thing, but I’m wired to crave the challenge, to tame what’s untamed. I’m drawn to a man who can dominate my thoughts, who takes the lead and commands my body or whatever else. But ultimately, it’s his energy, his presence, that compels my surrender long before I even realize I’ve given it.

    Maybe that’s the paradox: submission isn’t weakness. It’s a burning strength wrapped in devotion. And yet… wouldn’t it be beautiful if the giving were equally matched…If that intensity echoed back, fully?

    Reply
    1. Grey Man

      Who’s to say it isn’t? If done properly, a sub knows things about her Dom that no one else knows other than past or previous subs and even then…maybe not.

      In answer to your question about how long she can carry the weight? Not long if he doesn’t follow through. The lovely thing about women in D/s or just strongly passionate relationships is they will tell you what they need and when they need it IF, and it’s a big IF, you’re listening and not just with your ears.

      It’s like women are hard-wired to know the man needs a little help…a little subtle nudge. Granted, there are a lot out there that DO NOT get subtle or understand it. Too bad for them.

      Pour yourself? Lovely description. I believe you do. Perhaps, just perhaps you start with a drip here and there to see if he notices…sees…understands. When you see that he does, you give more until it is the torrential you. Can he handle that? Will he get intimidated? Will he answer back? If I have to answer those then I’ve missed my mark but I think not.

      The ether of blogs and emails and messages are an excellent place to create, find, and share echose.

      Reply
      1. Shimmering Muse

        Oh, this gave me pause in the best way. You’re absolutely right. When energy is returned with real presence and listening (not just with ears, but with attention), the entire dynamic shifts. It stops feeling like a burden and becomes something that breathes and flourishes between two people.

        And you really nailed it with that imagery: “Drips turning into a torrential downpour.” That’s exactly how it begins, just a little at first. Not a test, just a quiet curiosity. And yes, I do pour myself in…..Sometimes slowly, sometimes all at once only when I feel that irresistible pull, when my mind is fucked in the best possible way and the brain orgasms start… that’s when the floodgates open.
        Whether he can handle it? That’s always the question, isn’t it? But if he can… that’s where the magic lives.
        Though sometimes, just a thought…..I wonder if that’s exactly when men start to pull away. When a woman begins to pour that deeply, to offer that kind of raw, overwhelming presence… especially when she desires a man, when it’s the emotionally intense, fiercely expressive ones doing the wanting, do they feel the weight of it and retreat?

      2. Grey Man

        I’ll go out on a limb here and say that I think you’re on Australian time. Beat that as it may, I still wanted to comment now instead of waiting until a more reasonable hour for people on my side of the world.

        Honestly, a man who retreats from a woman who can fiercely express her desires probably needs to turn in his man card. I will agree that there are many who would, but they are also the men who don’t understand why the lionesses smirk and lay nearby while the lion is exhaustedly asleep and quite sated.

        As a practicing Dom, I’m not the squeamish type nor do I fail to hold up my end of the bargain. Yes, the dynamic shifts and each feeds the other and it is sublime. It’s worth the price paid. You already know that.

        For not being into the dynamic, you certainty understand the submissive side of it extremely well and I don’t think it’s from literary license. 😏😈😎

      3. Shimmering Muse

        That time zone…yep, I’m definitely on a different side of the world from you.

        And I want to be clear: I’m not in the D/s world, nor exploring it. In your words, I’m very much vanilla… maybe with a kinky mind. I’m in a passionate affair….intense, even possessive. I’m definitely the “I don’t share my man” type. (I wrote a longer reply under my story Submission since there were few from you, I figured one full response would cover it, in case you missed it.)

        And about a man who retreats… I feel the same.
        If a man can’t meet the fire of a woman who knows how to express her desire, maybe he never truly deserved it or he needs to man up and meet her where she is. If he leads, she follows. If he puts in the effort, she multiplies it. The lioness analogy? Brilliant. Spot on.

        But again…It’s not rooted in any formal dynamic. What you’re reading is simply me, speaking from raw emotional experience and personal reflection, not from any practiced role.

        Still, I find the psychology of it all fascinating. How desire unfolds, how power shifts, how presence can completely change the rhythm between two people. Maybe that’s what comes through in my mind… dressed in a little poetic skin.

        P.S. Lately, we’ve been engaging in such rich exchanges in the comments and I like it. Reading and responding like this really opens me up and gives me clarity.
        Thank you🫶

      4. Grey Man

        My pleasure to help you open up and find clarity. You don’t play well with others? Somehow, I’m not that surprised. 😉 Always fun to fence philosophies with you, Shim.

      5. Shimmering Muse

        Hmm… “Play well with others,” huh?
        I’ll take that as a compliment.Because you’re right. I don’t. Nop….Not with just anyone.
        And “fencing philosophies” with you? It’s been more than fun. It’s grounding, eye-opening, and oddly clarifying.
        So, Jon thank you for meeting me there. Not many do.

  3. jayeelisewrites

    “Do they even send invitations for Bachelor Parties?” 😂 An excellent point…and no, no they don’t.

    To quote Shimmering Muse, the woman oftentimes “carries the emotional and logistical weight.” In terms of a D/s relationship, I look at this in terms of the rituals, the rules, and the discipline/structure that oftentimes form part of these dynamics. For context, the Dom establishes a ritual or rule and the sub incorporates it into her routine. Each additional rule/ritual/piece of her routine contributes more mental load to what she’s expected to do and how she’s expected to behave. She has to track *everything*, whereas the Dom may or may not follow up on what he’s added to her plate. For the Dom, it’s a “nice to have”; for the sub, it’s a “must do.” These are fundamentally unequal positions, and this is part of the beauty and unique nature of D/s dynamics. However, I’ve had experiences in which the Dom has given rules, orders, etc. and has repeatedly neglected to follow through on them. Nothing loses a sub faster than lack of follow-through or consequences.

    So, in this specific circumstance – which is far too common in my experience – it is upon the woman to keep the dynamic running. It’s upon her to thread the needle to remind her Dom when he forgets to enforce a rule or to follow up on discipline. For without her and her tremendous efforts and mindfulness, the dynamic fades.

    It occurs to me (now) that I could have just quoted your final line – “Relationships are a two-way street, but I’m seeing a lot more traffic on one side than the other” – and added “Amen to that!” on the end. 😂 But where’s the fun in that, right?? Thanks, Jon!

    Reply
    1. Grey Man

      No fun at all. Thanks for the discussion. I think you’ve done a great job of describing what happens if the Dom/Master drops the ball.

      Reply
  4. Jamesxmorgan

    Another angle on this might be to acknowledge the importance of a Dom/me being prepared when necessary to subordinate personal needs to the needs of the sub. Is that an oxymoron, tantamount to handing over dominance to the sub? I don’t believe so. In a perfectly balanced relationship the need of the sub to submit is always perfectly matched by the need of the Dom/me to dominate. In the real world… hmm, no need to state the obvious. So there will be times when a Dom/me is tired/frustrated/worried/preoccupied/etc and not attuned to the needs (read also welfare) of the sub. The sub must therefore take up the slack; perfectly manageable temporarily but if it continues, the welfare of the sub, and the relationship, will suffer. Dom/mes must then open their eyes and ears and step up, whether they like it or not, and provide the structure (whatever the form) that they have committed to provide or risk their relationships failing. It’s not all hardship for Dom/mes though – a small amount of selfless effort will be repaid many times over by subs who once again feel seen, heard and cared for.

    Reply
    1. Grey Man

      All excellent and well-put comments, James. Thanks for your input.

      Reply

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