Art Courtesy of Spanking Art Gallery – link in my Reading Room

The purpose of this tutorial is to cover the topic of self-discipline. This isn’t like self-help books or working out at the gym kind of self-discipline.

Introduction

When doing an online D/s dynamic, there’s a point where some kind of punishment or funishment needs to take place. Yes, it can be done in text between each other, but that doesn’t fill the bucket of the Dom or the sub or the Domme or the sub. This means the sub will need to do the honors of being the Dom or Domme in administering whatever is decided will happen.

No one seems to question this when it comes to surrogate sexual encounters. He tells his sub what he’s doing to her while she uses her fingers or toys to simulate it to a joyous conclusion. This is all well and good. Nobody thinks that is weird but suggest it be spanking or so forth and some people will look at you strangely.

I recently had a very lovely Domme tell me that it takes a powerful person to do this for their dominant. She’s right. It does. Is it ideal? No, but sometimes, and in some situations, it’s the only game in town.

Thankfully, I have a couple of readers here who have openly admitted to doing this for their Dom or Domme. This is/was very brave of them, and I feel honored to have a safe place where they could talk about it so openly. I hope they will weigh in on what I get wrong or could suggest better.

Tools of the Trade

For the sub who needs to take care of this, they have different tools: hands, paddles, shower brushes, switches, etc.

Hands are the easiest since you take them wherever you go, and they are always…ahem…on hand. This takes some reaching and mastering angles, but it can be very effective, as my subs firmly attest to. The problem is it hurts your own hand as well as your own bottom. This can be a show-stopper for some with more delicate hands than others.

There is also more power from the flick of the wrist at the right time for more impact. Doing any lasting damage by hand is NOT easy if that’s the goal. Marking your sub is something many Doms (yes, me, too) LOVE to do with their subs. A lot of subs wear them with pride. It’s something to be discussed between the two of you.

As with any such endeavor, having structure helps. For example, the number of swats/spanks, a time limit, or until X happens, like they are close to tears, etc. It’s good to be specific and not vague so it doesn’t go too far or too short.

If marking or lasting effects are the goal, then they need to step up to or bend over for a paddle of some kind. I’ve had some fun here suggesting hairbrushes to the submissives. Some have “jumped on the bandwagon” for them, and it makes me smile to think of them getting a nice hairbrush paddling from their Dom because I suggested it. Vicarious sadism is real!

The problem with angles and reach rears—ahem, it’s rearing its ugly head. It’s one of the reasons I often buy or order a sturdy shower brush for a submissive. They have long handles to make it easier to find the right impact point, and they can leave wicked markings. They also take nice pictures if your sub happens to blog and wants to talk about her time with your shower brush. I’ve had that happen, and it’s rather delicious.

I didn’t mention it initially, but the wooden spoon is always the classic—it even has its own t-shirt. “I Survived the Wooden Spoon” is a t-shirt that always makes me smile. I can’t lay claim to being in that club, and they don’t make one for fly-swatters. Yes, that’s a story for a much different time, if ever.

The wooden spoon can have a nice long handle, but the sub needs to find real wood with some heft or weight. There’s some debate about which way to turn the end of it when paddling. I prefer the outer edge since I am not overly fond of oval welt marks on my submissives. They look weird.

Lastly, there are the leather straps. I can’t speak to this very much because I don’t have any real experience having a submissive use these. I did have one who did, but she had a pretty big selection of toys to use. Using a belt on yourself is very possible. It just takes a lot of practice and coordination. I’ve only ever had one submissive who was good at this, but it made nice markings.

Where do you want me?

Let’s talk about position now.

Yes, there is the classic bent-over-something, but it isn’t as reasonably practical for a DIY situation. The sub can have the same effect if they lie on the bed and bend over there. This makes it easier to deliver a good spanking/paddling since the submissive is reclined and can concentrate on angles and so forth without also worrying about balance.

A bent bottom does indeed suffer worse pains than a straight one. Bending is a good idea for maximum effect. There’s going to need to be some bending in the first place to be able to reach the sit-spots. Of course, the sit spots need attention.

Lie on one side and apply the desired amount or time of punishment, then roll to the other and repeat. From a Dom’s perspective, it’s good to be with the sub through live texting, audio chat, or video. The Dom’s job is to bring guidance and structure to this discipline or just plain fun.

I’m fond of five on one side and five on the other. If I’m going for something more severe, I’ll do ten on each side, then the other, and then repeat. It can also be fun to make them beg for the next round. I’ve used this as a mechanism for the sub to say, “Are they done, please?” If they stop begging for it, then they can beg to be done. Of course, they don’t get to choose, but they can always ask.

Some submissives need the classics, such as bending over something or going to the garage or woodshed. This is all perfectly fine since it is their mindset that is the most important. The bed scenario is not a requirement. I just have found it easier in the long run.

Aftermath

This comes right before Aftercare.

Something to be discussed between the two (Dom and sub) is whether or not the aftermath, the red bottom, etc., should be shared through pictures, video, etc. It fills the sadists’ buckets much more efficiently if they can see their handiwork, pun intended. This is more difficult for some subs than others.

I commented on a submissive’s post at BlueSky who had just bragged about her excitement when her Dom bought some new canes. “Will he let you show the aftermath?” I asked. She admitted they hadn’t discussed that yet, but she’d let me know.

There are quite a few submissives and spankos who are pretty generous about sharing their aftermath, even to the point of a set in the corner with panties down shot. This is incredibly sweet of them, and I always express my gratitude. It’s fun to be included vicariously with their spankings, etc.

I am in no way suggesting that your submissive needs to share with anyone but you, the Dom, or Domme. Sharing with a larger crowd takes someone who has a bit of an exhibitionist streak in them. That’s pretty rare.

Another thing in Aftermath is making the submissive beg for the right to rub. It’s one more step in the submissive or embarrassing angle. It also messes with the head because when a submissive is told they may not rub, then all they want to do in the world is rub! Rubbing helps the skin not bruise as severely, which is why some Doms/Dommes don’t allow it.

Aftercare

This IS a must.

Wham, bam, spank you, Ma’am is not cool. The submissive has just placed themselves in a very, very vulnerable headspace for the Dom’s benefit. There should be moments of calm, tenderness, and care when it is done.

For a serious situation, I suggest making sure there is a comfy blanket available. Chicks dig blankets—who knew? There should also be a source of water or some beverage. It is also good to have a snack nearby. Subs get the munchies after expending that energy, and it helps to revive them.

Another reason for aftercare is SubSpace. If the Dom has done a good job of orchestrating the punishment/funishment, then the submissive may have gone into this euphoric state of being where they are almost like they are drunk in a way.

Like someone drunk, do NOT take advantage of a submissive in Sub Space. They are not responsible for their decisions in this place. They will be highly submissive to the Dom and more susceptible to suggestions they’d never agree to when sober. Don’t mess with this, or you can seriously damage the fragile and beautiful trust you’ve created.

Aftercare gives the submissive person time to come back to Earth. Cuddles, nice phrases, many good girl comments, some soft caressing and not fondling. This is done through texts or voice for an online situation but can still be just as effective as the spanking itself.

This is a tender moment when Dom and sub can bond even more strongly than ever. Wise Doms will not waste this opportunity to show they genuinely do care and honestly do wish to keep their submissive safe…after having blistered their bottom, of course.

Conclusion

I could have added some things, but this subject could have a book about it, and I don’t want to write about it. I just wrote a long article instead. There will be SOME readers in the audience who will be tempted to comment that I should make this into several shorter articles. Too bad. I’m not. If they suggest it, they will know I am mentally giving them a good spanking for doing so. Heh, some might still do it anyway.

Hopefully, this has been helpful or gotten you to start thinking from either side of the equation of how to do this and do it better. Taking a submissive to tears in a self-spanking situation is possible but should be thoroughly discussed before it takes place and not in the moment. Tears can be highly cathartic, and several submissives report the need for stress-relief spanked-to-tears moments. These are needed, and hopefully, they get the relief they need.

Master Grey/Sir Jon/Sir/”Lion”