Grey Man's Memoirs

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Grey Man

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Dynamics Online: A Brief Explanation

AI art by me…the typography is good enough for my purposes.

My simile here might only work in my mind but it should still translate. People in the BDSM community feel about Online Dynamics the same as with canned beets. People either love that kind of beets or hate them and there’s really no middle ground.

I have enjoyed and continue to enjoy the online aspects of a D/s dynamic. This leaves a lot of people cold who cannot fathom doing it this way. It’s fine and it isn’t for everyone. It doesn’t work for everyone. It does work well for those who can and do enjoy it.

Online dynamics happen for a myriad of reasons: privacy, distance, easier-to-cheat or have an affair, and some others. It does take a lot more work in some ways and, I feel, the onus or crux of the work falls to the submissive.

To put it bluntly, they will need to self-apply all the things their Dom or Mistress would be doing to them. Yes, think on that a moment. It takes a great deal of imagination and committment to make an online dynamic work.

How is this done? Well, I could and have written how-tos about this before but don’t really want to now. Sufficeth to say that it takes a lot of communication through some kind of medium that allows for text and photos at a bare minimum. Technically, the photos are not truly required and in some cases are wisely avoided. Video/Voice are even better, stronger ways to make this connection between Dom/Mistress and submissive.

I won’t out anyone who doesn’t wish to out themselves but I do know there are a couple of my readers who online works for them. They are able to make the transference of the Doms commands to spank or paddle into having their own hand become that of the Dom. Can it be done to tears? Oh, yes. Can it be effective as discipline. Yes. Is it just plain stupid to someone who does NOT or CANNOT make that transference? YES. lol.

In my experience, I have worked with women who wanted to see if it would work for them and the results were about half-and-half. For some it worked fine while others acknowledged it wasn’t happening. It’s fine. We accepted it and moved on.

Unfortunately, commercialization of this concept has happened all over the place. The Girlfriend Experience can also be The Submissive Experience for the right price. I’ve been hit up for both whenever I have a presence on Instagram and there are opportunists on Fet as well. To date, I have yet to pay for that kind of experience.

I don’t judge those who do. To each their own or, I like this phrase, it takes all kinds to fill a freeway. A while back when I had a large blog than this, although we ARE growing thank you, I had some testimonial comments made by Doms and subs about how this worked very nicely for them.

Can it all be a lie? Well, sure. Of course, the sub can be lying about it or exaggerating about it. If they do this out of spite or laziness then it will show up eventually. If they sometimes fake it because of a situation or RL happening then is that so different from when a woman fakes it to please her man that he’s done well? With online, a man CAN fake it as far as the Mistress knows.

If you go and look at some of the poetry I have posted and look for pictures of collars…you’ll see online dynamics at work. I told the woman in question to pick out three choices of collars for her to wear and I’d make the final decision. You can see what I chose. To my knowledge, she still has it and had asked permission to keep it to use when the mood struck her even though we went separate ways.

It does bother me when RL BDSM folks look down their noses at online folks and the condescencion can be felt. Not everyone has access to clubs or local groups or other people near enough to do things in a real life situation. Is a Dom less of a Dom when his submissive goes without panties to work in jeans and gets rather grumpy about wanting to be fucked when she gets home? If she lives in a country on the other side of the world? I say it doesn’t make it any less. It just doesn’t do it for some people.

Feel free to comment on your opinions or experiences with this kind of a dynamic below. Never be worried or afraid to comment to something I post that I will be offended or embarrassed that you said it. This is a safe place. I do not delete comments or not approve new ones unless they are spam or violent in language or intent.

Master Grey

Responses to “Dynamics Online: A Brief Explanation”

  1. nora girl

    As someone who has engaged in both, I feel that in-person and online dynamics have a lot in common. When Daddy and I attempted D/s in our marriage, it was important that he paid attention to my well-being (emotional & physical), that he provide after care, that he was consistent with structure and creative with protocols and other methods of reinforcing our dynamic, and that we had lots of open & honest communication. We are in-person, so we had the benefit of him physically disciplining me himself and being able to engage in intimate sex acts.

    As you know, I’ve been in a long-distance D/s dynamic with my Sir for over four years. We have never met in person and don’t have any current plans to do so. Now, Sir has a lot of in-person experience from before we met and a pretty good understanding of the needs and wants of a submissive, so for him, moving to online wasn’t all that difficult. As you described it to me once, Jon, the “theater of the mind” is potent and there is great potential for thrilling experiences, even with 3,000 miles between two people. There have been times when I’ve become so entranced by the moment, that I’ve lost any awareness I may have had of Sir not being in the room with me. My hand becomes an extension of his hand and it truly feels like he is the one applying discipline or pleasure. And just like Daddy had to in-person with me, Sir pays attention to my well-being (though he relies less on visual cues and more on verbal ones, and honest answers to his questions), he’s consistent and creative, and we have lots of open communication. It obviously isn’t perfect, but I’ve never been in a relationship that was.

    Like any relationship, couples in a D/s dynamic face changing life circumstances, the eventual fade of excitement as the newness wears off, and finding balance in their lives. Either the Dom or the sub may experience changing needs, burnout, and feelings of neglect or resentment. But, just like in vanilla relationships, Doms & subs can face these challenges together.

    I really enjoyed thinking this all through, Jon. Thank you for the great discussion! XOXO

    Reply
    1. Grey Man

      Thank you for commenting and explaining your views and experiences. I didn’t want to speak for you so you had the choice.

      Yes, theater of the mind can be a powerful thing between two people capable of it. I feel a bit sorry for those who can’t. The story I just wrote tonight is a tribute to such mindful connections.

      I was fortunate enough to have this connection wonderfully reaffirmed today in it’s own way.

      I am very blessed to have friends such as you and others I communicate with through blogs/emails, etc.

      Reply
      1. nora girl

        It was a fun topic! I am unclear why you would speak for me, as my experiences are my own, but I appreciate you providing a forum where Doms & subs can explore their thoughts/feelings on this topic. I am looking forward to reading the other responses 🙂

  2. jayeelisewrites

    I’ve engaged in both, and for me, it’s not a matter of one being better or worse than the other—they’re just different. And yes, online may not work for some folks. But it can also be said that in-person experiences might not work for some people, too, whether due to distance, social circumstances, or just preference.

    Any time a subset of people claim there’s a “right” way and a “wrong” way of doing something—especially within a niche community—it gets my hackles up. Why further subdivide ourselves and disenfranchise others? Is it for a temporary sense of moral superiority or pride? Perhaps. Is it worth it? I would say no.

    Thanks for broaching this topic!

    Reply
    1. Grey Man

      All excellent points. I do know of some of your readers who do feel this way about right and wrong but I won’t mention who. I am happy to broach the topic and happier still to get more and more discussions going between our blogs.

      Reply
  3. olivia

    I’ve engaged in both and agree with Nora and Jaye – there are things to be said for both. Ultimately, it’s about the quality of the relationship. For me, the experience of being in a community of kinky people is another powerful experience – particularly when there are workshops and classes with demos and play parties involved.

    Often, it seems to me, the people who are most judgmental about how things “should” be are ones who have limited experience with different ways of doing whatever it is. Shrug. We can’t know what we don’t know.

    Thanks for the interesting post.

    💜

    Reply

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