This is going to be my own version of an Op-Ed article: however, I am not really seeking to sway anyone else’s opinions. My goal is only to express my own as well as my frustration over what I see as a blatant misuse of a word: misogyny.

In a lot of aspects of social behavior there are clear, thick lines between things. For example, murder has a pretty wide, dark line between it and self-defense or protecting ones country. Yes, in times of war that line gets thinner but to the majority of the world it is still visible. I feel that in other areas of society those lines become very thin and perhaps a bit blurry.

In the world of BDSM, the ideas of submission and dominance, mastery and slavery are all marked off with much thinner lines than the above example of murder. It is not too many steps from being a submissive to being a slave. A submissive who gives all her consent away to a Sir or Dom in matters of discipline or whatever she has agreed to give to him is she so far different than if he were Master and she was slave? I don’t think so. I do think people shy away from realizing this closeness of terms because it becomes uncomfortable.

A Dom who values obedience highly and has communicated that to his submissive? Is all that far away from being her master who knows when he gives the command that she will obey to the best of her abilities? Again, I don’t think so. Again, I think people shy away from how close these situations are due to it being uncomfortable within social norms.

A good rebuttal to this would be that the difference is whether or not the submissive can still have a say in whether something is okay or not. This is very true. Communication and consent are very important and very key in any of the D/s, M/s, etc dynamics. I would reply to this that are there not negotiations where the submissive basically waves her rights of consent in certain areas of either behavior or her body? Yes, there are. In doing so, does she not give her consent to be placed in future non-consent situations? I believe so.

The term misogyny refers to the “dislike of, contempt of, or ingrained prejudice of women.” This is from the online Oxford English Dictionary. I’ve always bristled when it is used to describe the fictional characters of James Bond or Captain Kirk or many others. In most cases, these are dominant male characters who do enjoy a submissive female and encounter a fair share of them, and that would be the fictional side of it. Do they dislike them? Have contempt or hatred for them? Are they prejudiced that all women are like this? I say they do not on all counts.

A man who is a dom gets pleasure from his submissive kneeling literally and figuratively to him. In some cases, he also gets satisfaction from giving her pain or discipline. Sometimes this is for their mutual enjoyment and sometimes it is because she needs a firm hand and knows it. There are also times when a submissive will suffer for the pleasure of her dom or Sir. Does that mean he hates her? Dislikes her? Thinks she is a lesser being? No, he does not. In fact, he will praise her afterwards, care for her, help her back to her center because he wants her to be okay.

To go a step further, a man who is a master or who owns a woman as a slave. First, he does so by her consent before the collar is placed there. I DO NOT condone or suggest a woman be taken off the street, against her will, and forced into slavery. No. Does it happen? Yes. Are these women often carted about in cattle-cars on trains or small, lightless containers on ships? Yes. Are these more accurate examples of misogynists? Clearly, yes.

Two very important ideas of the M/s or even Non-Con that leads to CNC are: the woman knew what she was getting into before she started it for the M/s, and she was unconsciously or subliminally asking for it to happen by a combination of her behavior AND dress. To be clear, dress alone is no excuse but dress or attire AND a behavior that calls for attention to her in a sexual manner? This is where the line gets very, very blurry.

I did say what I just said. It is not a popular sentiment to be heard and is censured in public forums or conversations; however, I have found that when speaking to most women privately? They will quietly agree that behaviors, placing themselves in bad situations, and adding provocative dress do invite non-consensual consequences. When the #metoo started getting into full swing, I remember clearly the performer Seal saying, “They knew what they were getting into when they got on that couch.” He was given so much heat for having said it, but he was right. They knew what transaction they were giving into at the time but later cry foul?

Sigh.

My wish in expressing these feelings and these thoughts is to say I am tired of being painted with the broad brush of misogyny by a lot of people when they read my stories or know my inclinations. I love women. I always have. I always will. Do I think I have the right to go out and knock some attractive woman at the mall over the head and drag her to my cave? No, I do not. Do I have the right to act on her behavior and dress to see if she means it? Yes. If she does not then I stand clear. This is where my line is and maybe it’s only there for me. Does this line of thinking get abused, misused, and lead to crimes against women? Yes, it does. Everything has extremes. Religion can be good. The Spanish Inquisition is not.

In conclusion, I will continue to be who I am and write as I feel it. I am happy to report that I would never and will never truly write a story where a man takes a woman non-consensually then walks away. Even in my Non-Con story here, my character backs off and gives her the choice of calling the police or not. This is where I am probably too tame. So be it. I’ll continue to be that tame. I’ve said my piece and feel good about what I’ve said. I’m not trying to spark a debate but am happy to civilly discuss other viewpoints to mine.

Thank you.

Jon Grey