This young lady will have no problems finding someone to help her look at this car. She might even be able to get a very good deal! Okay, seriously, I wanted to talk about what negotiations and planning should go into forming a Dom/sub dynamic or relationship. My hook into it is the idea of buying a car.

When smart people go to buy a car, they’ve done their homework. They’ve researched the kinds they want and what is good about them. They’ve checked price differences in the area. There are websites that can help a customer have a better idea how much markup there is on the price of the car. They’ve also figured out, ahead of time, their budget and what their down payment will be. They have clear limits in mind of what they will and won’t do.

Why is it that we approach buying a car or, better yet, a house with such consideration and work but when it comes to relationships we “wing it?” I don’t think that’s what was meant by having a wingman or wingperson? How should you approach making an agreement between you and a submissive? Or the other way around? I’m going to write from the dom perspective.

First, there is the attraction and the chemistry. This comes from getting to know people and meeting people in like-minded places like blogs, FetLife, community parties, and so forth. It is possible to meet them in the vanilla world, too. I don’t want to spend a lot of time on saying how you know. Let’s just agree a submissive can tell when she’s around a dominant male and he can tell when he is around a submissive.

Someone needs to step up and broach the subject, get the ball rolling, start the first conversation. Now, do I need to say who is most likely to start that? Hmm…one is dominant and the other is…okay? If you as a dominant male aren’t willing to take the chance of being it up then you don’t deserve to have a submissive in your life. Because of past conversations, where you are at the time, or some other factor we’ll say you both know what each other are.

“Do you want to be my submissive?” No, that’s not where we start. You also don’t pass a note, email, or text and say the same thing like grade school, “Will you be my girlfiend? Yes or No?” I would express that I have an interest in her and would like to start talking about possibly making an agreement. Now, she can say okay or she can say no. If she says no then take it like a man. It would also be crass or rude to just suddenly end things once you found out she wasn’t interested right now.

Dom/sub isn’t Speed Dating. It takes time and it takes getting to know each other. Being who you both are, you’re both going to know if the conversation should continue. Make it easy on her by asking a lot of questions about her. Her likes, dislikes, her plans for the future. What does she do for a living? Does she like it? Get to know the person.

An old adage is seduce the mind and the body will follow. Today’s crowd seems more interested in seducing the body and forget the mind. That won’t work. Okay, yes, it may work for a flashpoint kind of relationship that fizzes out or crashes horribly. If you have each other’s emails then play questions games. You’ll ask X number of questions. She promises to answer completely truthfully or to pass. Each person only gets one pass per email. She returns the favor and you’ve promised the same thing. This is how you can begin to know each other.

We haven’t even begun the negotiation parts yet. Did you notice?

For our purposes, these two have decided they do want to start talking about the possibilities. There’s a lot of different places you could start but limits are an easy place to begin. Ask what her hard limits are, what she might be okay with, and what she loves. You then do the same with her. BE HONEST. Don’t be the conservative guy who pretends to be liberal to date more girls. No. If you don’t know what your limits are then…you need to do research on it. Where? Well…that’s kind of another article but read around. Google the terms Sexual Limits or Hard Limits and you’ll find a lot of advice out there.

If you’ve decided your limits fit together well then you move on. IF you find out something that is kind of important to fulfilling things for you is a hard limit for her then it’s best to end things here and be friends. If you continue and try to just do without it? That isn’t fair to yourself or to her. If it’s something that could go either way then it might be okay to continue as long as your both honest about it.

Words mean things and they mean different things to different people. I would suggest that you both define very well what you each mean by the following terms: Dominant, Submissive, Submission, Obedience, Rules, Consequences. This is a good dialogue or talk to have so there are no misunderstandings. For example, I really don’t have patience for a real brat. If bratting is something she loves to do then that needs to be discussed and figured out. If obedience means to her only what you are specific about when you want it to mean obedience to the rules and the spirit of the rule, you need to make that clear.

A very easy question to help this is: What do you want in your Dominant? She asks you what do you want in your submissive? You need to make sure you each agree on what you’re willing to give or to do in the dynamic. This avoids unpleasant surprises later when it wasn’t clearly discussed ahead of time. Speaking of time, it’s one of the things to discuss. Will this dynamic be only during certain hours of the day? On the weekends? 24/7? You both need to agree on this. If she has a career then you need to stay out of the way of doing anything to ruin that. You don’t test her obedience by making her go without panties the day she has an important presentation. Submissives also need to be strong enough to say they will always want their opinions to be heard.

As a dominant, if a submissive tells me why she thinks something is unreasonable or isn’t feasible then I listen, we discuss, and make a decision. She will trust me so much more if I show I care for her feelings and her fears than if I just rule with an iron fist. This will lead to her being appreciative and those submissive needs she has will be manifest in other places I will enjoy more than if I’d tried to make my point earlier. Happy Wife, Happy Life? Satisfied Sub, Submissive Sub. Or something like that. Her level of trust deepens as you are realistic. That level of trust leads to deeper and more exciting things. Trust me.

What do I control, what don’t I control? This is the next step somewhere past limits and figuring out timing of the dynamic in real time. What is she willing to give you control of? What do you want to have control of? There are some doms who want to control things to the point of what she wears each day. That better be discussed. That isn’t me…well, except for underwear…that’s true but I discuss it. It would be exhausting to me to try and control the entirety of another person’s life. No, thanks.

If you haven’t done this much before then you REALLY need to listen to when she says this will work but that won’t and why. If you’ve spent too much time reading romance or dark romance or harem books then you do NOT have realistic ideas of how women work. It’s why those books are in the fantasy section. Yes, there is some truth to them but listen…to each other.

For submissives, this would also mean listening to what he needs and why he needs it. Be patient because males, for the most part, aren’t the most articulate creatures in the world and might need help explaining things. Offer suggestions, hints, BLATANT hints about where you think he is wanting to go with something.

At the end of all this, if negotiations have gone well then you begin to test drive this dynamic, just like the new car. Don’t expect it to be perfect the first time. There WILL be hiccups…heh…sometimes literally. Be patient with each other and remember this will ALWAYS be a work in progress. Now, my approach may not be as spreadsheet, diagrammed, or step-by-step as some might like but this is how I would do it, I have DONE it, and how I know it can work.

Good Luck!

-Master Grey